My marriage is on contract basis, love is a myth – Dr. Akiyode-Afolabi

Here is an extract of an interview with The Executive Director, Women Advocates Research and Documentation Centre, Dr. Abiola Akiyode-Afolabi. She believes love does not exist. Interesting views, I must say.

 So at what point in this journey did you get married?

I got married in August 2008 just before I went for my Master’s programme. I had to make a decision to get married. I thought that if I didn’t get married at age 30 it wouldn’t be necessary anymore. I got married to a long-standing friend, a medical doctor. He shares the same views with me on many issues of interest. But I had to travel for my programme two days after our wedding. I got married on a Friday and travelled out for a two-year course on Sunday. He didn’t come over to see me and I didn’t return to Nigeria until I was through.

  

Did you expect to come back and meet the marriage intact?

When I came back, there were issues to settle and I now counsel younger people about this. I saw a very different person when I came back. We had to talk and find out if the relationship should continue or not. We had to go back to the basics; it took us another one year to decide to continue and since then, it’s been a good marriage.

 That is a rare survival, don’t you think?

I have always lived with some ideas. When I say this, people usually get unsettled. I don’t believe in this whole myth about love. For me, marriage is a contract of the mind. If it is meant to be, it will be and if it is not meant to be it won’t be.

 You used to have that view or you still do?

I still do till this moment. Marriage is just a relationship and people should be free about having the relationship. There are some underlining rules guiding the relationship, which we all know. So, if it works well, good. It is a contract and that has been my attitude to marriage. I don’t attach emotions to it and I don’t believe in people saying this is what it should look like. Your marriage is what you make out of it. We have problems in marriages largely because we expect too much from it. Many times, we don’t bother to work towards what we expect, we just assume them. You expect that your spouse should be faithful to you, but you don’t see whether there are circumstances that can make people unfaithful. A lot of divorce cases are based on assumptions. People should keep open minds to make it work instead of believing that what is binding you together is one myth that cannot break called love.  It has been working for me. I take marriage very lightly; it is not all about my life. I feel that I can walk out of it if I need to do so and he can do same. With that understanding, we both realise that we are managing something together to which we are mutually responsible and we have been like that for about 15 years.

 Are you saying you don’t have feelings for your husband?

For me, feelings are what you make out of them, although a lot of people disagree with me on this. You can only feel what you want to feel. It’s about understanding and who you are.

 How then is romance and sex in your relationship?

On romance, I believe that people were usually carried away by love story series they read when they were young. They try to play it out in reality. It makes it deceptive, a make-up. You should rather be able to determine the kind of relationship that you want and work at it instead of laying claim to love and affection. Many marital foundations are defective.

  

So you could have remained single for all you care?

Yes, and that is why when people are addressed as single, I don’t think that it takes anything away from them. It is a choice that people can make at any point in life. I love children, and I know that I don’t have to be married to have one. I can be a single mother; I can adopt children, adore them and live with them. I am married for as long as I think it can work.

  

What attracted you to your husband?

His intelligence, his analysis of issues, of female issues, among others, attracted me to him. I got into school eight years after he graduated.

  

Do you think the age difference makes him a mature husband?

I don’t think so. I wouldn’t notice the age difference if he didn’t tell me how old he was. He is eight years older than I am. We have seen several older men, who did badly. I think my husband actually finds me and my ideas amazing. He understands who I am and that’s the point I was making earlier. Forget about love, what we need is to understand the other person and live together based on that.

Have you ever told your husband that either of you could walk out of the relationship?

Yes. I think he knows. Initially he was not comfortable with it, but after a while, he discovered that it’s my way of reasoning.

Will you impart this view to your children?

I tell every young person who cares to listen. That is the secret to a good marriage. Leave it open. There are women who will not leave their husbands even when it becomes obvious that they (husbands) will kill them. Women take marriage more seriously and I think some men capitalise on that to hurt them

Hmmmmm.......Do you agree with her?